If you can fix it, you can keep it.

[Nate]

I was a poet, once,
When I was young
Before I gave away
My human heart
For a chance at more

Many long years passed,
And I cannot find it.
I’ve lost it, and more,
And that last quarter inch
Is all that remains.

That final measure,
That cannot be taken
Only given away,
Like pieces of a heart
At the edge of things.

The ledge, that beckons,
'Do not think of the fall
Only take that last
Half-step over me and
Leave the rest to me.'

The sirens singing
Of the razor blades’s edge
'Only you can give
That final quarter inch
And stop everything.

Cease the burning pain
Kill the rage and the hate
Give up trying to
Be human, that's a lie.
Beautiful, but false.'

Hungry for my pain,
Creatures of glass and steel,
The city monsters
Gleaming wicked chrome smiles
Cry for me to play.

I was a poet, once,
When I was young
Before I gave away
My human heart
Nothing now remains.

[Nate]

I guess that it's still my burden. Have a good New Year's celebration.

[Nate]

Over the years, I've managed to teach myself some incredible things. How to shoot, how to fight, basic chemistry, basic lock work, carpentry, metal-working, wood-working, beading, some advanced math, a few snippets of programming language, just a hodgepodge of random things that caught my attention at the time.

And the one thing that I either forgot or was unable to teach myself, was how to be human.

I can hear someone saying, right now, "oh, that emo bullshit."

I can't be emo, I don't have the emotional reservoir to fit that description. All I have is that cold place, that nothing hole that the Army taught me to find. That place where you can never apologize, or ask for help.

So I'm asking for help.

Is there anyone out there, that would take a monster in under their roof, and teach him to be human? I haven't found one yet.

[user/874]

I don't know if we have even met each other, but I only have one piece of advice.

Therapy.

None of your friends are qualified or able to teach you how to be human again. I would like to think I can say this from a place of both empathy and sympathy. I fought the same battle coming home from the Army. As an Infantryman, humanity is not an easy thing to hold onto. Seriously, seek professional help. It took me years to admit to myself that I couldn't do it on my own, that I couldn't just knuckledown and fight my through it like I did everything else.

You happen to be one one of the better places in the country for help. I don't know a thing about you, but if you are a veteran, go to the VA hospital. Yesterday. They can and will help. County health also has some pretty outstanding programs if you don't have insurance. If you do have insurance through your job or whatever, most plans have a special section for free mental health.

Don't ignore it. Seek help. You are already calling out for it, but you are looking in the wrong place. Find me at game one night and I can relate my own experiences, if you think it will help.